Help, My Kid is Acting Weird! This, and other parenting struggles.
What is Normal?
Have you ever sat down and wondered, “is my kid normal?” Many parents seek parenting support to understand their child’s behavior better. This is probably something that has crossed almost every parent’s mind at least once as their child screamed in the grocery store, or failed to sleep all night as a baby, or perhaps just seemed like they never wanted to be put down. There is a WIDE range when it comes to “normal” and these behaviors are related to the developmental stage of the child.
A rough example of this would be something like:
- Toddlers (1–3 years) tend to be seeking ways in which they can be independent and may assert autonomy through defiance, giving rise to the “terrible twos.”
- School-age children may test boundaries within the home and at school as they learn about rules and authority.
- Adolescents are engaged in identity formation, often leading to conflict as they seek independence from their family unit.
While in the moment these behaviors can be distressing (I mean who really treasures their child screaming bloody murder in the ice cream isle or talking back when they are 11), these behaviors aren’t necessarily signs of a problem formulating on the horizon but rather may just be a part of the growth process. As we understand the stages of growth for our children, we are better able to reframe these challenges and better equipped to help our kids address these experiences throughout their development.
Kids on Your Last Nerve?
Try Positive Reinforcement
Okay, I know, positive reinforcement is not the thing that you feel like doing in the moment that your kid is behaving like they were raised in by a feral cat, but if implemented during periods of calm, there is research showing helpful effects of this intervention. Positive reinforcement is a concept rooted in behavioral therapy that encourages desired behaviors by rewarding the behaviors when they occur. Studies show that positive reinforcement is more effective in long-term behavior change than punitive measures.2 Simple verbal praise or reward charts can significantly improve cooperation and motivation in children.
Boundaries and Routines
Humans thrive with consistent structure and routine. For whatever reason, as we age, we seem to think that we somehow no longer need to have the same kind of schedules that we held growing up surrounding bedtime, or meals, or even school activities. That is not the case. Having a routine schedule for these regular activities can reduce anxiety and lower decision fatigue. A study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that children in households with consistent routines show better emotional and behavioral outcomes.4 In that same vein, clarity in rules and boundaries are important for children as well. Cognitive-behavioral research underscores the importance of clarity in rules and consequences to reduce oppositional behavior. 5 Boundaries offer children a sense of predictability and security.
Emotional Regulation Skills
Mindfulness and emotion-regulation strategies can help to teach children:
- Belly breathing or “bubble breathing”
- Using emotion wheels to name feelings
- Thought-challenging for older children and teens
Teaching Problem-Solving
Research from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child notes that children who are taught to solve problems collaboratively show higher resilience and lower rates of behavioral difficulties.⁶ Parents can guide children using a step-by-step method:
- Name the problem.
- Brainstorm possible solutions.
- Evaluate options and select one to try.
- Try one.
- Reflect and revise if needed.
Parental Self-Care
Chronic stress in parenting leads to burnout and reactive parenting. The CDC reports that 1 in 3 parents report feeling “always or often” burned out.⁷ Self-care isn’t indulgent, it’s a necessity for sustained connection and patience. Regular breaks, therapy, physical activity, and connection with friends all help to fill your emotional cup and will assist you in building your experience of resilience. Some parents have found that support groups are helpful to recognize they are not alone in their experiences with kids. Parents who have participated in support groups often describe a sense of relief and empowerment. Hearing others’ challenges and successes helps normalize your own experience and fosters empathy, compassion, and insight.
Parenting is a Journey
Parenting is a dynamic and evolving journey. There are challenges, but in every challenge is an opportunity to learn, grow, and connect more deeply with your child. You are not alone. Embracing therapeutic strategies, research-based techniques, and making use of a supportive community can make a profound difference in both your child’s development and your own well-being as a parent.
References:
- American Psychological Association (APA), Stress in America™ 2020 Report
- Kazdin, A. (2008). The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child
- Barkley, R. A. (2013). Defiant Children: A Clinician’s Manual for Assessment and Parent Training
- Spagnola, M. & Fiese, B. H. (2007). Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry
- Harvard Center on the Developing Child – Executive Function and Self-Regulation
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) – Parental Burnout Study, 2022
- Children and Youth Services Review, 2019 – Parenting Support Program Effectiveness Study
